either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
