woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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