Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
