She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
