3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
