life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
