did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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