She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
