Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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