so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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