just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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