it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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