he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
