i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
