drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
