i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize