my phone needs a breathalizer
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
