There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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