ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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