they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
