my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize