i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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