Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize