Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
