how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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