if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
