How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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