i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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