Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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