Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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