Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
True strength comes from lack of pants
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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