Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
