apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
