Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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