I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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