Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We had to coat check the pizza.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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