Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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