Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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