Moan for me like Helen Keller
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
