i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize