I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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