i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
