I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Drunk is not a location!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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