i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
