I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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