Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
