you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
