non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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