You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
a search helicopter?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
