You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
