Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
