I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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