i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize