I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
