I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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