I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
