You're a womanizer and a bitch.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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