I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
