My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
