best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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