are you so shy because you have an std?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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