hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
