i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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