exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
