ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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